dreams

there are certain circumstances that produce very vivid dreams.

when i am sick
when i am in some sort of very emotional situation and i am aware
" " and i am not aware
when i haven't been able to fall asleep and finally do, very deeply, for like 5 hours.
in this situation, it's 1, 2, and 4.

Dream #1 Wednesday (12/30/09) into Thursday (12/31/09)

Details: I don't really remember the little details of this one, but i'm pretty sure it was set in the funeral home that was featured in a ghost hunters episode i watched recently. well, now it's a museum, but it used to be a funeral home (and before that, an episcopal church). i was really emotional and scared, and there was some guy speaking solemnly. my youngest brother, andy, was supposedly the one he was talking about...but he was still alive. from what i gathered, andy had some disease and needed to be cremated. and so he was. so he was cremated alive.

Reasons: well, like i said, the setting was strikingly familiar to a place in ghost hunters. as to why andy had to be cremated (technically burned alive) i recently read an article about how humanity's abuse of vaccines has allowed for strains of viruses and diseases to come about that cannot be simply cured or wiped out. (there's a word for it, but i can't remember) there was some guy in florida or something that got a deadly strain of tuberculosis (which was supposedly wiped out in the 20th century) and there are a few more cases like him in the world. i guess andy got one of those diseases. i also didn't fall asleep until around 2 am, and i woke up suddenly around 4 am, checked my phone, then realized that no one was going to text me at that hour. i blew my nose like 5 times, coughed like i had emphysema, then i fell back asleep and that's when the dream happened. i woke up around 9:30.

Dream #2 Thursday (12/31/09) into Friday (1/1/10)

Details: There was this kid i graduated with in 8th grade, Raymond. I don't even know him all that well, but random people like that always make their way into my dreams. in my dream, he wrote me some letter. or rather, he sent me a survey (facebook/myspace kinda survey) about me filled out by him. odd. the dream had an almost bittersweet feeling to it. like, "this guy loves me, but...i am indifferent. i can't help it." something like that. i almost want to say that i wanted to love him, but just couldn't.

Reasons: not sure why ray was in my dream, but i think i came across his facebook not too long ago. i think in this dream, it's influenced by those "she loves me, but i just can't return it..." situations that i see all the time. i don't even know if that is how people feel, but maybe this was my subconcious trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, to rationalize.

ah.

a thought

there's been this idea in my head that i just can't shake. i've generally been successful in my endeavors in the past. i'm pretty sure people like me. my grades are alright. but i have nothing to offer.
i don't have a passion for anything, like sports or art or music
i don't have comedic talent
i'm not overly intelligent
i'm average, in that i am neither ugly nor pretty (although, looking into the new mirror in my room, i feel...repulsive. ugh)
i am not insightful, wise, or intellectual
i'm awful at math, and my writing is mediocre
i don't know what i want to be in life because i have nothing that can be even turned into a career.
i have nothing to share, nothing that draws people to me.

what i am supposed to do with myself?
it's said that we all have a purpose in life, and although i am not particularly religious by any means, i can't help but feel like i was looked over when god was handing out personalities.

why am i alive?

"that's it, i'm done, you've gotta go. now. shoo, goodbye. no wait, don't leave yet. please stay?"
-my head.

a list.

some bad things.

• you're arrogant
• you're controlling
• you don't reply to texts and e-mails. ever.
• condescending much?
• your define people by the scores they get on the SATs and their grades and what university they go to (you were rejected...case and point)
• you changed, and it's really annoying because you claim to not have.
• i'm pretty sure you had no chance with what's-her-name from lehigh. have you looked in a mirror? and those shoes. UGH.
• you think that you have chances with girls...yeah right. the arizona chick? never would have worked out.
• even *I* cannot stand you, and i've known you inside and out for three years.
• you talk down on people.
• no one cares about how great your high school is. once you hit college, it's null.
• rumor has it, no one actually likes you outside of the people you left behind. just saying.
• i want to tape your mouth over every time you open it. just shut the fuck up.
• i didn't want you to come to my cookie exchange, but i knew you were the only way andrew and matt would get there.
• you make me feel insecure and stupid and foolish. like i'm not good enough, never was, never will be.
• your hair is all floppy and weird.
• sometimes i want to cut off all contact with you, just like you did to me, and see how you'd react. i like to think that you'd be hurt.
• i hate you more than i like you 98% of the time

some good things.

• you have nice hands.
• you voice next to my ear gives me tingles.
• i miss talking to you.
• i love you more than i hate you 2% of the time.

hey there.

i talk a lot. it's this habit of sorts, but i just love to chat with people, include lots of details, and hope for feedback. twitter is great, but when i'm hitting the "danger zone" of the character limit, i feel like i can't really express much. so perhaps i'll return to here, and talktalktalk. not sure if anyone will read it. but hey, at least there will be an outlet for my thoughts.

the end of a summer.

summer 2007 was "The Summer of Juliana", a title dubbed by my family. I had just graduated from middle school, and was preparing for a three week trip to the united kingdom. i got my first boyfriend. i had amazing friends. it led up to a perfect freshman year, at a school where i found my little group of friends. my grades were nearly perfect. my life was just right. i was so happy.

summer 2008 was the complete opposite. i was dumped by that first boyfriend. friends from school transferred. i had been labled as someone who read the bible before bed (i scoff at the bible). i was lost, and it reflected sophomore year. i hadn't yet become close to my current friends. i procrastinated. once i finished/failed my only final, i was so burnt out. summer was a relief. and i was alone- but not quite lonely.

summer 2009 was a whole whirlwind. that boyfriend came back, and we fell in love all over again, but then he went to college. i'm his friend now, and vice versa- a relationship i'm rather fond of. i became closer to one friend, stacie. and now i'm quite sure i want to keep my distance. i gained three friends, lois, matt, & andrew, that i absolutely love. i rediscovered two, jen & victoria 1, that were there for me all along. i lost one, victoria 2, to a drastic move time zones and miles away, and i miss her. i went on adventures to princeton, six flags, around my own town, and ate at a diner or pizza place at least once a week. i got a job and a scholarship because of my own goddamn merit and hard work. this year i'll be balancing a college class, my usual high school workload, work, JAM events, and a service project.

but i won't expect perfection like in 2007.
i won't let my emotions get a hold of me like in 2008.
i won't keep negative people around.
i won't procrastinate.
i won't be lost.
instead,
i'll do my best.
i'll rationalize and talk it out.
i'll surround myself with love.
i'll work with a schedule.
i'll know exactly who i am.

why i keep him around.

"charlie" (12:11:38 AM): in the real world, where people aren't coddled and there are human elements involved, personality is always going to be a factor
"charlie" (12:11:43 AM): so is the ability to communicate
"charlie" (12:11:49 AM): and if you can't communicate, you're useless
"charlie" (12:12:00 AM): so if you can't hold a conversation, you're useless
"charlie" (12:12:29 AM): also, she's a fucking moron for having a public blog and bashing her friends in it
"charlie" (12:12:51 AM): and given what you've told me about her, she's a terrible person
"charlie" (12:13:04 AM): rather, she is by no means pleasant
"charlie" (12:13:47 AM): and in a setting where you have to interact with customers who are going to make split second judgements about who they're dealing with, appearence matters
"charlie" (12:13:50 AM): personality matters
"charlie" (12:13:57 AM): welcome to reality
"charlie" (12:14:22 AM): the thing you need to remember is that you have substance behind that personality, and that's why you have succeeded where she failed.
"charlie" (12:15:00 AM): /rant and anger
viva juliana (12:15:05 AM): hey charlie?
"charlie" (12:15:22 AM): yeah?
viva juliana (12:15:38 AM): i love you. and thank you.
"charlie" (12:15:55 AM): i love you too.