state of the union- january

• is it possible to feel your heart break? you definitely can. physical pain. this isn't romantic heart breaking. this is "YOU TOTALLY UPGRADED and now i feel worthless" heartbreak. damnit.
• i have a crush on a teacher. well, it's not lustful. but i was in his car, and it smelled so good and comforting. i love when a guy smells good. and his general personality is just lovely. had i been a student at md when he was, or vice versa, i'd most likely pursue him..hah. i'm awful. but he's such a great person, and i love being in his classes and clubs. he calls me j.
• habitat for humanity. i'll get to it. eventually.
• i want a boy. now. i don't care if he enjoys kissing me or simply spending time with me. either/or. i want a boy.
• i don't *need* a boy.
• i'm nervous that i lack personality. being at all of the mock trial competitions, i watch these girls parade around the courtroom with confidence. there's just something about them. like, i can't describe it. i'll call them dynamic girls. you know who they are when you see them. they have dynamic outfits, dynamic conversation, and just a general persona that you can't compete with. they're artsy and intelligent and well spoken...i'm not...i desire to be that girl, but it's just not who i am. i'm quiet. observant. i'm not quick-witted, nor do i have a circle of friends that could stretch around the earth. i desire to be different than i am, but in doing so i am wishing to be the same as everyone else. perhaps i will meet someone that can show me if i have something, if anything at all, to offer the world.
• everyone likes my hair. legitimately. i did it to say "fuck you" to all of those dynamic girls i mentioned above with their beautiful, long, salon ad hair. i prefer short. and looking like a boy when my hair is tucked behind my ears (which is...always). alright, androgyny.
• SOMEONE STOLE MY SCHOOL SKIRT. pants for me until they show up.
• i'm fat. and no, i'm not fishing for compliments. i need to lose weight and stop my nervous eating. i've been told before that my weight is a problem. those instances were a long time ago, but i haven't changed, nor have i forgotten. if only dynamic girls weren't so skinny.
• my confidence fluctuates like my moods. tomorrow i will be happy and carefree. friday i will wallow and cry. guaranteed.

okay, that's all i can think of for now.