the CJ war

1 year on
battle.
1 year off
the smoke clears.
a month veryvery on
a couple months meh, a few battles
and then BAM. the war begins and ends in like, two days. cool.
no really, cool. that's not sarcastic.

since like 2008 i've been waiting for a definitive end to all of this. an end in which i actually am willing to just let it go. and although i have just let it go, this is just ridiculous. i hate no knowing what's actually happened, other than the fact that i "bothered him for some reason, but he wasn't sure." mkay. that's fine. but then doing allll of the things you were always so set against, now that's just rude. on top of that, you've been dragging me along through all of your phases. it's just wrecking havoc on my emotions.

i recall this crazy dream i had in august of this past summer. i was on vacation, and it was right in the middle of all of that whirlwind lust phase we went through that lasted like a week. (it fizzled when i said no to -sexual- physical things and such...ya know how it is. i got a ring on my finger now reminding me i'll never make that mistake again). the dream was essentially that he fell in love with a bimbo, did all the things he condemned when we were going out (like pda, facebook official, etc.) and it was bad, and she replaced me as the Number One Girl in his life. i then found myself in russia running from nuclear warfare. i blame the last part on too much sun, but it could be interpreted as "running away from the feelings i can't express" (he was under the ruse i had legit feelings for him still at that point...uh, no...i'm just a fan of kissing, cuddling, and security, especially after such a dry spell). i remember him being like "oh, that could never happen. i don't see you being replaced anytime soon, or ever for that matter, because it's good to know someone out there actually cares..." or something along those lines. i did care for him an awful lot, but not in the way i used to. that was old news. that was in our first year. this was our second going on third. it was the effect of yet another chance i had given him.

and so, i currently find that the dream was foreshadowing now. everything he ever hated (or wasn't as important to him) is now what he wants. obnoxious facebook, obnoxious girls, obnoxious people, sex (as if he has a chance...), etc. etc. my only theories are that: he was always like this, and just adjusted for the girl he could actually get (me). OR. he changed when he found something more appealing than me.

either way, i'm insulted. in a snap, it was all "you bother me, i won't contact you anymore, i'll always treasure what we had." shit like that. i didn't know i was so easily disposed of and replaced, especially when i was told time and time again it just wouldn;t happen. i knew it was coming eventually (how many times has he said he will never talk to me again? matt has a theory we'll be friends again by summer...i hope to fucking god not.) and i could sense that he was in contact with me because he felt obligated. (flashback to the first year, when he dumped me because "he couldnt stay with me any longer because he didn't really like me, and only was in a relationship because i was happy")

i'm hoping in the next few months, i'll find myself with friends just as obnoxious, but twice as true. i know i'll always come out on top in the end. for a long time i asked myself "What can i change to make him want me?" and not even in a relationship, just in general. never had i faced such rejection from someone i cared for. but it's not me that had to change. i never could. i know my heart well, and i am incapable of changing my character, my values. but him? he's so fickle, and that will ultimately be his downfall.


i can't wait to watch.