the rad janitor at md found it and added it to the pile of lost and found in that creepy storage room next to ethel's. i felt weird going in there to fetch it alone. BUT STILL. reunited, and it feels so good...
little things.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
state of the union- january
- is it possible to feel your heart break? you definitely can. physical pain. this isn't romantic heart breaking. this is "YOU TOTALLY UPGRADED and now i feel worthless" heartbreak. damnit.
- i have a crush on a teacher. well, it's not lustful. but i was in his car, and it smelled so good and comforting. i love when a guy smells good. and his general personality is just lovely. had i been a student at md when he was, or vice versa, i'd most likely pursue him..hah. i'm awful. but he's such a great person, and i love being in his classes and clubs. he calls me j.
- habitat for humanity. i'll get to it. eventually.
- i want a boy. now. i don't care if he enjoys kissing me or simply spending time with me. either/or. i want a boy.
- i don't *need* a boy.
- i'm nervous that i lack personality. being at all of the mock trial competitions, i watch these girls parade around the courtroom with confidence. there's just something about them. like, i can't describe it. i'll call them dynamic girls. you know who they are when you see them. they have dynamic outfits, dynamic conversation, and just a general persona that you can't compete with. they're artsy and intelligent and well spoken...i'm not...i desire to be that girl, but it's just not who i am. i'm quiet. observant. i'm not quick-witted, nor do i have a circle of friends that could stretch around the earth. i desire to be different than i am, but in doing so i am wishing to be the same as everyone else. perhaps i will meet someone that can show me if i have something, if anything at all, to offer the world.
- everyone likes my hair. legitimately. i did it to say "fuck you" to all of those dynamic girls i mentioned above with their beautiful, long, salon ad hair. i prefer short. and looking like a boy when my hair is tucked behind my ears (which is...always). alright, androgyny.
- SOMEONE STOLE MY SCHOOL SKIRT. pants for me until they show up.
- i'm fat. and no, i'm not fishing for compliments. i need to lose weight and stop my nervous eating. i've been told before that my weight is a problem. those instances were a long time ago, but i haven't changed, nor have i forgotten. if only dynamic girls weren't so skinny.
- my confidence fluctuates like my moods. tomorrow i will be happy and carefree. friday i will wallow and cry. guaranteed.
okay, that's all i can think of for now.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
i've decided
the worst thing about mater dei is that there are no private places to just sit and cry.
first post in the middle of school.
i'm incredibly bored right now. my french teacher is absent (possibly because she has haitian relatives affected by the earthquake. oh my.)and so we have a sub. our assignment is to work on the midterm review study guide, but i really have no drive to do so. i'll work on it tonight, along with geometry and world religions (although i am exempt from the latter, i still have to do it.)
three twigs are in the corner discussing diets. well, one is trying to convince the other that she is completely idiotic for even thinking she needs to watch what she eats. . i think it might be more eating more healthy than actual weight loss. i wish i had their metabolism. the third is talking about hangovers
tomorrow i have mock trial, and then i'll work on midterm stuff all day. saturday i'll do more reviewing, and then at noon i'll go on my annual shopping spree with my aunts and grandmother. i can't wait.
in the corner, a couple that takes french together are "interdigitating" (in the words of the sub. a word he made up, surely). she's sitting on his lap, and his head is nuzzling her back. all the time she seems so morose because he's essentially a big tool. but when he's calm, and when he's not acting up and being a clown, you can see that he really loves her. in his own way, at least. her eyes are closed, but there are little crinkles around them to match her smile. she's content.
i want to interdigitate** with someone.
**interdigitate: apparently, to hold hands; contact with the hands.
three twigs are in the corner discussing diets. well, one is trying to convince the other that she is completely idiotic for even thinking she needs to watch what she eats. . i think it might be more eating more healthy than actual weight loss. i wish i had their metabolism. the third is talking about hangovers
tomorrow i have mock trial, and then i'll work on midterm stuff all day. saturday i'll do more reviewing, and then at noon i'll go on my annual shopping spree with my aunts and grandmother. i can't wait.
in the corner, a couple that takes french together are "interdigitating" (in the words of the sub. a word he made up, surely). she's sitting on his lap, and his head is nuzzling her back. all the time she seems so morose because he's essentially a big tool. but when he's calm, and when he's not acting up and being a clown, you can see that he really loves her. in his own way, at least. her eyes are closed, but there are little crinkles around them to match her smile. she's content.
i want to interdigitate** with someone.
**interdigitate: apparently, to hold hands; contact with the hands.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
okay, a clarification
so i was replaced. fine, whatever. but i was replaced by a girl/girls that are literally just like me. at least, in the dynamics of their relationship. if anything, they have qualities a certain, disliked person once mocked. or just never paid attention to.
what gives? damn.
what gives? damn.
Monday, January 11, 2010
people
what makes a person (un)/attractive? and not necessarily in a sexual way. just in general. for me, i think it's unnatural when a guy has long fingernails. but i love long eyelashes. there's this guy i sit across from in geometry, and he once took off his glasses and asked me if the orange paint on his eyelid had wiped off (he's the artsy sort). and he had the most lovely eyes, framed by the longest black eyelashes i've ever seen. well, at least up close and human. they're the kind i'd be afraid to look into, for fear they'd look right through me. but he has those antsy hands, and often scratches his nails against papers on the table. i think he knows how particular i am by now. i like him a lot, but his head works far too fast for me to keep up. he's brilliant. we'll stick to math.
i don't like girls that make stupid comments about themselves. there's this one girl that is kind of like my in-between-class-i-hate-school ranter (she is in the locker next to mine)and today she said "Ugh, I need to go on a diet, I'm so out of breath!" most likely in reference to the four flights of stairs we climb between our first and third floors. she's quite pretty, and twig-like. i knew what she meant, but still. i like her, though. we commiserate often, and i suppose that redeems her. i'm not sure if she sees me in that way, but i don't really think it matters.
i don't like girls that make stupid comments about themselves. there's this one girl that is kind of like my in-between-class-i-hate-school ranter (she is in the locker next to mine)and today she said "Ugh, I need to go on a diet, I'm so out of breath!" most likely in reference to the four flights of stairs we climb between our first and third floors. she's quite pretty, and twig-like. i knew what she meant, but still. i like her, though. we commiserate often, and i suppose that redeems her. i'm not sure if she sees me in that way, but i don't really think it matters.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
the CJ war
1 year on
battle.
1 year off
the smoke clears.
a month veryvery on
a couple months meh, a few battles
and then BAM. the war begins and ends in like, two days. cool.
no really, cool. that's not sarcastic.
since like 2008 i've been waiting for a definitive end to all of this. an end in which i actually am willing to just let it go. and although i have just let it go, this is just ridiculous. i hate no knowing what's actually happened, other than the fact that i "bothered him for some reason, but he wasn't sure." mkay. that's fine. but then doing allll of the things you were always so set against, now that's just rude. on top of that, you've been dragging me along through all of your phases. it's just wrecking havoc on my emotions.
i recall this crazy dream i had in august of this past summer. i was on vacation, and it was right in the middle of all of that whirlwind lust phase we went through that lasted like a week. (it fizzled when i said no to -sexual- physical things and such...ya know how it is. i got a ring on my finger now reminding me i'll never make that mistake again). the dream was essentially that he fell in love with a bimbo, did all the things he condemned when we were going out (like pda, facebook official, etc.) and it was bad, and she replaced me as the Number One Girl in his life. i then found myself in russia running from nuclear warfare. i blame the last part on too much sun, but it could be interpreted as "running away from the feelings i can't express" (he was under the ruse i had legit feelings for him still at that point...uh, no...i'm just a fan of kissing, cuddling, and security, especially after such a dry spell). i remember him being like "oh, that could never happen. i don't see you being replaced anytime soon, or ever for that matter, because it's good to know someone out there actually cares..." or something along those lines. i did care for him an awful lot, but not in the way i used to. that was old news. that was in our first year. this was our second going on third. it was the effect of yet another chance i had given him.
and so, i currently find that the dream was foreshadowing now. everything he ever hated (or wasn't as important to him) is now what he wants. obnoxious facebook, obnoxious girls, obnoxious people, sex (as if he has a chance...), etc. etc. my only theories are that: he was always like this, and just adjusted for the girl he could actually get (me). OR. he changed when he found something more appealing than me.
either way, i'm insulted. in a snap, it was all "you bother me, i won't contact you anymore, i'll always treasure what we had." shit like that. i didn't know i was so easily disposed of and replaced, especially when i was told time and time again it just wouldn;t happen. i knew it was coming eventually (how many times has he said he will never talk to me again? matt has a theory we'll be friends again by summer...i hope to fucking god not.) and i could sense that he was in contact with me because he felt obligated. (flashback to the first year, when he dumped me because "he couldnt stay with me any longer because he didn't really like me, and only was in a relationship because i was happy")
i'm hoping in the next few months, i'll find myself with friends just as obnoxious, but twice as true. i know i'll always come out on top in the end. for a long time i asked myself "What can i change to make him want me?" and not even in a relationship, just in general. never had i faced such rejection from someone i cared for. but it's not me that had to change. i never could. i know my heart well, and i am incapable of changing my character, my values. but him? he's so fickle, and that will ultimately be his downfall.
i can't wait to watch.
battle.
1 year off
the smoke clears.
a month veryvery on
a couple months meh, a few battles
and then BAM. the war begins and ends in like, two days. cool.
no really, cool. that's not sarcastic.
since like 2008 i've been waiting for a definitive end to all of this. an end in which i actually am willing to just let it go. and although i have just let it go, this is just ridiculous. i hate no knowing what's actually happened, other than the fact that i "bothered him for some reason, but he wasn't sure." mkay. that's fine. but then doing allll of the things you were always so set against, now that's just rude. on top of that, you've been dragging me along through all of your phases. it's just wrecking havoc on my emotions.
i recall this crazy dream i had in august of this past summer. i was on vacation, and it was right in the middle of all of that whirlwind lust phase we went through that lasted like a week. (it fizzled when i said no to -sexual- physical things and such...ya know how it is. i got a ring on my finger now reminding me i'll never make that mistake again). the dream was essentially that he fell in love with a bimbo, did all the things he condemned when we were going out (like pda, facebook official, etc.) and it was bad, and she replaced me as the Number One Girl in his life. i then found myself in russia running from nuclear warfare. i blame the last part on too much sun, but it could be interpreted as "running away from the feelings i can't express" (he was under the ruse i had legit feelings for him still at that point...uh, no...i'm just a fan of kissing, cuddling, and security, especially after such a dry spell). i remember him being like "oh, that could never happen. i don't see you being replaced anytime soon, or ever for that matter, because it's good to know someone out there actually cares..." or something along those lines. i did care for him an awful lot, but not in the way i used to. that was old news. that was in our first year. this was our second going on third. it was the effect of yet another chance i had given him.
and so, i currently find that the dream was foreshadowing now. everything he ever hated (or wasn't as important to him) is now what he wants. obnoxious facebook, obnoxious girls, obnoxious people, sex (as if he has a chance...), etc. etc. my only theories are that: he was always like this, and just adjusted for the girl he could actually get (me). OR. he changed when he found something more appealing than me.
either way, i'm insulted. in a snap, it was all "you bother me, i won't contact you anymore, i'll always treasure what we had." shit like that. i didn't know i was so easily disposed of and replaced, especially when i was told time and time again it just wouldn;t happen. i knew it was coming eventually (how many times has he said he will never talk to me again? matt has a theory we'll be friends again by summer...i hope to fucking god not.) and i could sense that he was in contact with me because he felt obligated. (flashback to the first year, when he dumped me because "he couldnt stay with me any longer because he didn't really like me, and only was in a relationship because i was happy")
i'm hoping in the next few months, i'll find myself with friends just as obnoxious, but twice as true. i know i'll always come out on top in the end. for a long time i asked myself "What can i change to make him want me?" and not even in a relationship, just in general. never had i faced such rejection from someone i cared for. but it's not me that had to change. i never could. i know my heart well, and i am incapable of changing my character, my values. but him? he's so fickle, and that will ultimately be his downfall.
i can't wait to watch.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
hatred
you can't bring up this important topic and not have any idea how to handle it. this conversation could have been great if you had actually dedicated some time to it. it was like 4 hours long, with like 20 minutes between each response.
i feel sick and i have this knot in my throat. i want you outoutout. go away. i hate you.
i feel sick and i have this knot in my throat. i want you outoutout. go away. i hate you.
it had to be said
so ever since facebook allowed for user created fanpages and what not, my homepage has been clogged with "Such and Such is a fan of this or that". and i absolutely refuse to join so many that my entire profile is taken over by those updates (i'm particular about that). but if there is one that really makes me chuckle, or holds a certain truth, i will make an exception. so, i have to give some credit to the really good ones out there.
my favorites:
- "I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, 9/11, and Swine Flu. 2012, Here I Come!"- what's funny is that i remember all of these. of course, to go along with this...
- "If the world ends in 2012, ive wasted my whole life in school"- by then i will be in my second year of college, so at least i will have gotten some taste of real life.
- "You won't talk to me, I won't talk to you, so why am I happy you're online?" - it's sad that i experience this on a daily basis. and it's true, i will literally sit here to make sure whoever in particular comes online, just to make sure that they do. i'm such a fucking creep- but so are the 150,000+ fans of this page.
- "I'm the Girl. You're the Boy. You text me first or we don't talk today"- another reason i end up just sitting here. i'd happily break this unwritten rule, but i get really paranoid about it.
- "I don't know you, but I hate you."- I actually searched for this one on facebook, because i'm finding it increasingly true to my life. with all these new privacy settings, it's really easy to stalk people out that aren't your friends. and even if i don't know you, i always end up hating you.
i'm need to stop. i obviously have no life outside of my head and beyond my computer. but like that page says, "At least I'm safe inside my mind."
Friday, January 1, 2010
dreams
there are certain circumstances that produce very vivid dreams.
when i am sick
when i am in some sort of very emotional situation and i am aware
" " and i am not aware
when i haven't been able to fall asleep and finally do, very deeply, for like 5 hours.
in this situation, it's 1, 2, and 4.
Dream #1 Wednesday (12/30/09) into Thursday (12/31/09)
Details: I don't really remember the little details of this one, but i'm pretty sure it was set in the funeral home that was featured in a ghost hunters episode i watched recently. well, now it's a museum, but it used to be a funeral home (and before that, an episcopal church). i was really emotional and scared, and there was some guy speaking solemnly. my youngest brother, andy, was supposedly the one he was talking about...but he was still alive. from what i gathered, andy had some disease and needed to be cremated. and so he was. so he was cremated alive.
Reasons: well, like i said, the setting was strikingly familiar to a place in ghost hunters. as to why andy had to be cremated (technically burned alive) i recently read an article about how humanity's abuse of vaccines has allowed for strains of viruses and diseases to come about that cannot be simply cured or wiped out. (there's a word for it, but i can't remember) there was some guy in florida or something that got a deadly strain of tuberculosis (which was supposedly wiped out in the 20th century) and there are a few more cases like him in the world. i guess andy got one of those diseases. i also didn't fall asleep until around 2 am, and i woke up suddenly around 4 am, checked my phone, then realized that no one was going to text me at that hour. i blew my nose like 5 times, coughed like i had emphysema, then i fell back asleep and that's when the dream happened. i woke up around 9:30.
Dream #2 Thursday (12/31/09) into Friday (1/1/10)
Details: There was this kid i graduated with in 8th grade, Raymond. I don't even know him all that well, but random people like that always make their way into my dreams. in my dream, he wrote me some letter. or rather, he sent me a survey (facebook/myspace kinda survey) about me filled out by him. odd. the dream had an almost bittersweet feeling to it. like, "this guy loves me, but...i am indifferent. i can't help it." something like that. i almost want to say that i wanted to love him, but just couldn't.
Reasons: not sure why ray was in my dream, but i think i came across his facebook not too long ago. i think in this dream, it's influenced by those "she loves me, but i just can't return it..." situations that i see all the time. i don't even know if that is how people feel, but maybe this was my subconcious trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, to rationalize.
ah.
when i am sick
when i am in some sort of very emotional situation and i am aware
" " and i am not aware
when i haven't been able to fall asleep and finally do, very deeply, for like 5 hours.
in this situation, it's 1, 2, and 4.
Dream #1 Wednesday (12/30/09) into Thursday (12/31/09)
Details: I don't really remember the little details of this one, but i'm pretty sure it was set in the funeral home that was featured in a ghost hunters episode i watched recently. well, now it's a museum, but it used to be a funeral home (and before that, an episcopal church). i was really emotional and scared, and there was some guy speaking solemnly. my youngest brother, andy, was supposedly the one he was talking about...but he was still alive. from what i gathered, andy had some disease and needed to be cremated. and so he was. so he was cremated alive.
Reasons: well, like i said, the setting was strikingly familiar to a place in ghost hunters. as to why andy had to be cremated (technically burned alive) i recently read an article about how humanity's abuse of vaccines has allowed for strains of viruses and diseases to come about that cannot be simply cured or wiped out. (there's a word for it, but i can't remember) there was some guy in florida or something that got a deadly strain of tuberculosis (which was supposedly wiped out in the 20th century) and there are a few more cases like him in the world. i guess andy got one of those diseases. i also didn't fall asleep until around 2 am, and i woke up suddenly around 4 am, checked my phone, then realized that no one was going to text me at that hour. i blew my nose like 5 times, coughed like i had emphysema, then i fell back asleep and that's when the dream happened. i woke up around 9:30.
Dream #2 Thursday (12/31/09) into Friday (1/1/10)
Details: There was this kid i graduated with in 8th grade, Raymond. I don't even know him all that well, but random people like that always make their way into my dreams. in my dream, he wrote me some letter. or rather, he sent me a survey (facebook/myspace kinda survey) about me filled out by him. odd. the dream had an almost bittersweet feeling to it. like, "this guy loves me, but...i am indifferent. i can't help it." something like that. i almost want to say that i wanted to love him, but just couldn't.
Reasons: not sure why ray was in my dream, but i think i came across his facebook not too long ago. i think in this dream, it's influenced by those "she loves me, but i just can't return it..." situations that i see all the time. i don't even know if that is how people feel, but maybe this was my subconcious trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, to rationalize.
ah.
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