a thought

there's been this idea in my head that i just can't shake. i've generally been successful in my endeavors in the past. i'm pretty sure people like me. my grades are alright. but i have nothing to offer.
i don't have a passion for anything, like sports or art or music
i don't have comedic talent
i'm not overly intelligent
i'm average, in that i am neither ugly nor pretty (although, looking into the new mirror in my room, i feel...repulsive. ugh)
i am not insightful, wise, or intellectual
i'm awful at math, and my writing is mediocre
i don't know what i want to be in life because i have nothing that can be even turned into a career.
i have nothing to share, nothing that draws people to me.

what i am supposed to do with myself?
it's said that we all have a purpose in life, and although i am not particularly religious by any means, i can't help but feel like i was looked over when god was handing out personalities.

why am i alive?

"that's it, i'm done, you've gotta go. now. shoo, goodbye. no wait, don't leave yet. please stay?"
-my head.

a list.

some bad things.

• you're arrogant
• you're controlling
• you don't reply to texts and e-mails. ever.
• condescending much?
• your define people by the scores they get on the SATs and their grades and what university they go to (you were rejected...case and point)
• you changed, and it's really annoying because you claim to not have.
• i'm pretty sure you had no chance with what's-her-name from lehigh. have you looked in a mirror? and those shoes. UGH.
• you think that you have chances with girls...yeah right. the arizona chick? never would have worked out.
• even *I* cannot stand you, and i've known you inside and out for three years.
• you talk down on people.
• no one cares about how great your high school is. once you hit college, it's null.
• rumor has it, no one actually likes you outside of the people you left behind. just saying.
• i want to tape your mouth over every time you open it. just shut the fuck up.
• i didn't want you to come to my cookie exchange, but i knew you were the only way andrew and matt would get there.
• you make me feel insecure and stupid and foolish. like i'm not good enough, never was, never will be.
• your hair is all floppy and weird.
• sometimes i want to cut off all contact with you, just like you did to me, and see how you'd react. i like to think that you'd be hurt.
• i hate you more than i like you 98% of the time

some good things.

• you have nice hands.
• you voice next to my ear gives me tingles.
• i miss talking to you.
• i love you more than i hate you 2% of the time.

hey there.

i talk a lot. it's this habit of sorts, but i just love to chat with people, include lots of details, and hope for feedback. twitter is great, but when i'm hitting the "danger zone" of the character limit, i feel like i can't really express much. so perhaps i'll return to here, and talktalktalk. not sure if anyone will read it. but hey, at least there will be an outlet for my thoughts.

the end of a summer.

summer 2007 was "The Summer of Juliana", a title dubbed by my family. I had just graduated from middle school, and was preparing for a three week trip to the united kingdom. i got my first boyfriend. i had amazing friends. it led up to a perfect freshman year, at a school where i found my little group of friends. my grades were nearly perfect. my life was just right. i was so happy.

summer 2008 was the complete opposite. i was dumped by that first boyfriend. friends from school transferred. i had been labled as someone who read the bible before bed (i scoff at the bible). i was lost, and it reflected sophomore year. i hadn't yet become close to my current friends. i procrastinated. once i finished/failed my only final, i was so burnt out. summer was a relief. and i was alone- but not quite lonely.

summer 2009 was a whole whirlwind. that boyfriend came back, and we fell in love all over again, but then he went to college. i'm his friend now, and vice versa- a relationship i'm rather fond of. i became closer to one friend, stacie. and now i'm quite sure i want to keep my distance. i gained three friends, lois, matt, & andrew, that i absolutely love. i rediscovered two, jen & victoria 1, that were there for me all along. i lost one, victoria 2, to a drastic move time zones and miles away, and i miss her. i went on adventures to princeton, six flags, around my own town, and ate at a diner or pizza place at least once a week. i got a job and a scholarship because of my own goddamn merit and hard work. this year i'll be balancing a college class, my usual high school workload, work, JAM events, and a service project.

but i won't expect perfection like in 2007.
i won't let my emotions get a hold of me like in 2008.
i won't keep negative people around.
i won't procrastinate.
i won't be lost.
instead,
i'll do my best.
i'll rationalize and talk it out.
i'll surround myself with love.
i'll work with a schedule.
i'll know exactly who i am.

why i keep him around.

"charlie" (12:11:38 AM): in the real world, where people aren't coddled and there are human elements involved, personality is always going to be a factor
"charlie" (12:11:43 AM): so is the ability to communicate
"charlie" (12:11:49 AM): and if you can't communicate, you're useless
"charlie" (12:12:00 AM): so if you can't hold a conversation, you're useless
"charlie" (12:12:29 AM): also, she's a fucking moron for having a public blog and bashing her friends in it
"charlie" (12:12:51 AM): and given what you've told me about her, she's a terrible person
"charlie" (12:13:04 AM): rather, she is by no means pleasant
"charlie" (12:13:47 AM): and in a setting where you have to interact with customers who are going to make split second judgements about who they're dealing with, appearence matters
"charlie" (12:13:50 AM): personality matters
"charlie" (12:13:57 AM): welcome to reality
"charlie" (12:14:22 AM): the thing you need to remember is that you have substance behind that personality, and that's why you have succeeded where she failed.
"charlie" (12:15:00 AM): /rant and anger
viva juliana (12:15:05 AM): hey charlie?
"charlie" (12:15:22 AM): yeah?
viva juliana (12:15:38 AM): i love you. and thank you.
"charlie" (12:15:55 AM): i love you too.

i'm a jerk.

it's one thing to have this whole paranoia thing in your head. but to express it to someone, and have it totally thrown in your face (not meanly, just in a "Uh, you're paranoid..." kind of way) is really embarrassing. at least i wasn't alone in my convictions, but still. i feel bad. sorry :[

either/or

if you're in my life, i'll do just fine.
if you're out of my life, i'll do just fine.
but if you're in this perpetual limbo, where it could go either way at any time, i feel frustrated and used.

please, pick a side. whichever way you go, i'll find a way to accommodate. i care about you so much, though.

atlas

i feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. oh man.

that feeling of utter dispair

it's awkward and i feel that "connection" fading. it was different before. i didn't have a chance to think about you leaving; you just did, and i couldn't do anything about it. i was helpless. but now, i can feel you leaving. i know you're changing...or maybe, this is who you were all along. i just didn't want to admit it. i am still helpless, but only because i can no longer help you.

you're kidding...

i've been telling you that since the very beginning. you're just realizing it now? do you seriously not notice the fact you scare people away? man.

in my head, alarms went off.

i honestly just lost all of what little respect i had for you. i really want you out of my life. please leave.

and the truth is..

i miss you.

you're sitting right next to me

you're the type of person i'd like to talk to over tea.
i wonder what you think of me.

trailer talk

you're obnoxious. you have no right to frown upon me or anyone else, because you are white trash. stop talking.

"will you be my girlfriend?"

i guess i just have to know:
how are you?
are you happy with your life?
do you remember us?
do you remember me?
do you remember yourself at all?
let me know. i can assure you that there's no other reason why other than the fact that i knew you once. i knew you well.

you could even say i might've loved you.

love every person you meet.

then decide what to do about it.

an outwards rush

the reason why you have few true friends is because you push everyone away with your superior attitude and insult them with your snarky looks. honey attracts more flies than vinegar, no? you spew vinegar.

don't look a gift horse in the mouth

you complain more than anyone i have ever known. does anything please you?

if only.

i like what you have to say. a lot. let's talk?

cemented, thick, dull

talking to the two of you is like talking to brick walls. i can't stand you.

everything i could never say

i want to be able to say to your face what i truly think about you. but i always feel that i have no license to do so. i'm not this enough or that enough to be able to tell you the truth. so for now, it'll all go here.