the end of a summer.

summer 2007 was "The Summer of Juliana", a title dubbed by my family. I had just graduated from middle school, and was preparing for a three week trip to the united kingdom. i got my first boyfriend. i had amazing friends. it led up to a perfect freshman year, at a school where i found my little group of friends. my grades were nearly perfect. my life was just right. i was so happy.

summer 2008 was the complete opposite. i was dumped by that first boyfriend. friends from school transferred. i had been labled as someone who read the bible before bed (i scoff at the bible). i was lost, and it reflected sophomore year. i hadn't yet become close to my current friends. i procrastinated. once i finished/failed my only final, i was so burnt out. summer was a relief. and i was alone- but not quite lonely.

summer 2009 was a whole whirlwind. that boyfriend came back, and we fell in love all over again, but then he went to college. i'm his friend now, and vice versa- a relationship i'm rather fond of. i became closer to one friend, stacie. and now i'm quite sure i want to keep my distance. i gained three friends, lois, matt, & andrew, that i absolutely love. i rediscovered two, jen & victoria 1, that were there for me all along. i lost one, victoria 2, to a drastic move time zones and miles away, and i miss her. i went on adventures to princeton, six flags, around my own town, and ate at a diner or pizza place at least once a week. i got a job and a scholarship because of my own goddamn merit and hard work. this year i'll be balancing a college class, my usual high school workload, work, JAM events, and a service project.

but i won't expect perfection like in 2007.
i won't let my emotions get a hold of me like in 2008.
i won't keep negative people around.
i won't procrastinate.
i won't be lost.
instead,
i'll do my best.
i'll rationalize and talk it out.
i'll surround myself with love.
i'll work with a schedule.
i'll know exactly who i am.

why i keep him around.

"charlie" (12:11:38 AM): in the real world, where people aren't coddled and there are human elements involved, personality is always going to be a factor
"charlie" (12:11:43 AM): so is the ability to communicate
"charlie" (12:11:49 AM): and if you can't communicate, you're useless
"charlie" (12:12:00 AM): so if you can't hold a conversation, you're useless
"charlie" (12:12:29 AM): also, she's a fucking moron for having a public blog and bashing her friends in it
"charlie" (12:12:51 AM): and given what you've told me about her, she's a terrible person
"charlie" (12:13:04 AM): rather, she is by no means pleasant
"charlie" (12:13:47 AM): and in a setting where you have to interact with customers who are going to make split second judgements about who they're dealing with, appearence matters
"charlie" (12:13:50 AM): personality matters
"charlie" (12:13:57 AM): welcome to reality
"charlie" (12:14:22 AM): the thing you need to remember is that you have substance behind that personality, and that's why you have succeeded where she failed.
"charlie" (12:15:00 AM): /rant and anger
viva juliana (12:15:05 AM): hey charlie?
"charlie" (12:15:22 AM): yeah?
viva juliana (12:15:38 AM): i love you. and thank you.
"charlie" (12:15:55 AM): i love you too.

i'm a jerk.

it's one thing to have this whole paranoia thing in your head. but to express it to someone, and have it totally thrown in your face (not meanly, just in a "Uh, you're paranoid..." kind of way) is really embarrassing. at least i wasn't alone in my convictions, but still. i feel bad. sorry :[

either/or

if you're in my life, i'll do just fine.
if you're out of my life, i'll do just fine.
but if you're in this perpetual limbo, where it could go either way at any time, i feel frustrated and used.

please, pick a side. whichever way you go, i'll find a way to accommodate. i care about you so much, though.

atlas

i feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. oh man.

that feeling of utter dispair

it's awkward and i feel that "connection" fading. it was different before. i didn't have a chance to think about you leaving; you just did, and i couldn't do anything about it. i was helpless. but now, i can feel you leaving. i know you're changing...or maybe, this is who you were all along. i just didn't want to admit it. i am still helpless, but only because i can no longer help you.

you're kidding...

i've been telling you that since the very beginning. you're just realizing it now? do you seriously not notice the fact you scare people away? man.