a thought

there's been this idea in my head that i just can't shake. i've generally been successful in my endeavors in the past. i'm pretty sure people like me. my grades are alright. but i have nothing to offer.
i don't have a passion for anything, like sports or art or music
i don't have comedic talent
i'm not overly intelligent
i'm average, in that i am neither ugly nor pretty (although, looking into the new mirror in my room, i feel...repulsive. ugh)
i am not insightful, wise, or intellectual
i'm awful at math, and my writing is mediocre
i don't know what i want to be in life because i have nothing that can be even turned into a career.
i have nothing to share, nothing that draws people to me.

what i am supposed to do with myself?
it's said that we all have a purpose in life, and although i am not particularly religious by any means, i can't help but feel like i was looked over when god was handing out personalities.

why am i alive?

"that's it, i'm done, you've gotta go. now. shoo, goodbye. no wait, don't leave yet. please stay?"
-my head.

a list.

some bad things.

• you're arrogant
• you're controlling
• you don't reply to texts and e-mails. ever.
• condescending much?
• your define people by the scores they get on the SATs and their grades and what university they go to (you were rejected...case and point)
• you changed, and it's really annoying because you claim to not have.
• i'm pretty sure you had no chance with what's-her-name from lehigh. have you looked in a mirror? and those shoes. UGH.
• you think that you have chances with girls...yeah right. the arizona chick? never would have worked out.
• even *I* cannot stand you, and i've known you inside and out for three years.
• you talk down on people.
• no one cares about how great your high school is. once you hit college, it's null.
• rumor has it, no one actually likes you outside of the people you left behind. just saying.
• i want to tape your mouth over every time you open it. just shut the fuck up.
• i didn't want you to come to my cookie exchange, but i knew you were the only way andrew and matt would get there.
• you make me feel insecure and stupid and foolish. like i'm not good enough, never was, never will be.
• your hair is all floppy and weird.
• sometimes i want to cut off all contact with you, just like you did to me, and see how you'd react. i like to think that you'd be hurt.
• i hate you more than i like you 98% of the time

some good things.

• you have nice hands.
• you voice next to my ear gives me tingles.
• i miss talking to you.
• i love you more than i hate you 2% of the time.

hey there.

i talk a lot. it's this habit of sorts, but i just love to chat with people, include lots of details, and hope for feedback. twitter is great, but when i'm hitting the "danger zone" of the character limit, i feel like i can't really express much. so perhaps i'll return to here, and talktalktalk. not sure if anyone will read it. but hey, at least there will be an outlet for my thoughts.